The Revenge of the Paopu fruit
by dragonflygem
Summary: Seething with jealousy, Riku tries to win Kairi from Sora. How? With a paopu fruit of course! An unexpected twist.
1. Chapter 1

It's always Sora, Sora, Sora.  
  
Whatever happened to me, Riku?  
  
Ever since he got the Keyblade, he's been getting all the luck. Luck with traveling, luck with his career and most importantly, luck with Kairi.  
  
Oh, Kairi. She used to want me bad, I tell you. At least that's what Tidus assured me. I'm still better looking than Sora, but Kairi just goes for him. Can't understand why. He's such a boring, goody two shoes with wacky Einstein hair. I thought women went for the mysterious, sexy type. Like me.  
  
While I'm stuck back here on the Destiny Islands, Sora still gets to explore all the great worlds out there coz guess what? He's been appointed as the Heartless Overseer. Can you believe it? That little twerp with one tenth of my amount of muscle, gets to make sure that there aren't anymore Heartless around - probably just as an excuse to see all the worlds.  
  
Well I've always been competitive and basically, I compete to win. I can't stand losers so therefore I can't lose or I won't be able to face myself again. I know that I'll never be a Heartless Overseer; after all, I did at one point use them for evil doing. But the least I can do is snatch Kairi away from Sora. Oh Kairi.I can just picture her now with her short red locks flowing in the wind and her skinny, lithe body scantily clad.  
  
So, anyway, how am I gonna go about getting her attention? Well I have two plans.  
  
A -Give her something really precious so that she'll be bought over  
  
Or  
  
B - Kill Sora.  
  
I'm hoping to stick to Plan A, as I'm already convicted of 15373 accounts of murder due to the Heartless. I was going to be given life in Halloween Town Cemetery (in other words, death sentence), but the little idiot Sora, stood up for me and said that I should be given a chance. So now I'm back on my home island, being reformed. Or supposedly being reformed. Little does the bugger know that I'm planning his murder, should my first scheme fail.  
  
My angel conscience is asking, why am I so against Sora? I mean, he saved my life. But then my devil conscience replies, 'Jealousy.' I'm not ashamed to admit it, but it's weird, coz I've never felt the need to be jealous. I was always the best.  
  
So I walk along the beach, wondering what to retrieve for Kairi, when Selphie comes skipping along.  
  
'Hi, Riku,' she croons in her girly voice.  
  
'Get lost, kid,' I mutter with my head bent down.  
  
'What's the matter, Riku? Thinking about Kairi?'  
  
I look up at her and can clearly see that she's mocking me.  
  
'I told you to get lost.'  
  
'Oh, kiss me my darling Riku,' she gasps as she does a miserable imitation of Kairi.  
  
I glare at her with my ice cold eyes but she still doesn't get the message that I want to be left alone. So I ask her, 'What is the most precious item in this universe?'  
  
And she answers wistfully, ' The Orichalcum.'  
  
Now how on earth am I supposed to get that? I stare silently ahead for a few minutes, while Selphie hums some godforsaken tune. I stare and stare and then I see something. The Paopu fruit tree.  
  
Then it suddenly hits me. I don't need an Orichalcum at all. All I need is to somehow get Kairi to share a paopu fruit with me so that our destinies are binded and we'll never be able to leave each other.  
  
It's such a good idea that I start grinning to myself. Selphie senses my delight. 'What's going on?' she questions with wide eyes.  
  
'Well, my dear Selphie,' I say with my tone so much more pleasant than a quarter of an hour ago, 'I'll be off then.'  
  
As I saunter off towards the Paopu fruit tree, Selphie runs after me.  
  
'Hey, wait for me!' 


	2. Chapter 2

The Paopu fruit tree is bloody hard to climb. I've tried five times already and I can't get up it. Selphie sniggers as I attempt to climb it again.  
  
Frustrated with her presence, I jump off and demand, 'Well if it's so easy, then you try!'  
  
As quick as a flash of lightning she puts down her skipping rope and walks up the tree gracefully, bringing back that sought after yellow fruit.  
  
'Thanks Selph,' I mumble with embarrassment.  
  
'No probs, handsome,' she chirps.  
  
Just then Kairi comes along, looking as pretty as ever.  
  
'What's up guys?' she asks. ' I thought I saw you climbing the Paopu fruit tree,' indicating to Selphie.  
  
'Well Riku here, wanted to taste some of that delicious fruit, didn't you Riku?' I nod slightly.  
  
'Can I have some, Riku?' asks Kairi.  
  
I can hardly believe my luck. Kairi, doing exactly what I wanted her to, so that everything falls right into my hands.  
  
'Sure thing!' I say, way too eagerly, as I break off some Paopu fruit for her. 'Eat up!'  
  
I gobble into my half of the fruit. The sweet juices squelch noisily as I devour it greedily.  
  
Only after I have nearly finished, do I realize Kairi still hasn't touched any of hers.  
  
'What's wrong with it?' I query, worried.  
  
'Riku, this isn't good for eating!' she claims. 'You're going to be sick.'  
  
'Kairi, it's fine,' I promise her. 'Just eat it and you'll see.'  
  
But Kairi refuses to touch it.  
  
'Kairi it looks fine,' assures Selphie.  
  
I gaze in amazement as this is the first time Selphie has ever stuck up for me.  
  
'Look, I'll try it,' Selphie continues and with that she takes a large mouthful.  
  
A hand wrenches at my heart.  
  
'NO!!!!!!!!!!!!' I scream.  
  
My voice echoes throughout the islands.  
  
'Woah Riku, what's up with you?' asks Kairi, looking at me as if I'd just come out of a mental asylum.  
  
I crumple to my knees and take a few deep breaths before I stand up again.  
  
'You're right Kairi,' I groan eventually, ' I think I really am gonna be sick.'  
  
'Tastes fine to me,' quirks Selphie as she continues to munch away happily at the Paopu fruit. 


	3. Epilogue

It's 8 years on from that Paopu fruit incident and Selphie and I are happily married. So are Kairi and Sora. They've even got little Soras' and Kairis' running around. But I'm still not satisfied. I didn't win. I guess life wasn't meant to go my way.  
  
It's always Sora, Sora, Sora. 


End file.
